Billionaire Bearded Wonder Richard Branson today announced ten exciting new business ventures today. After Virgin Airlines, Virgin Trains, Virgin Condoms, Virgin Records, Virgin Megastores, Virgin Mobile, Virgin Brides, Virgin Vodka, Virgin Coke and Virgin Sex Aids, many wondered where the brand could go next. Mr Damian reveals all:

Richard Branson Pickle - The condiment will feature the founder of the Virgin empire on the front of it’s V shaped jar. In addition to the traditional ingredients the pickle will include pineapples from Branson’s private island.

The Virgin Islands - purchased from the US and UK for a princely $5.4 billion - with luxury holidays and holiday homes now available on Virgin Net and from Virgin travelshops.

Virgin Extra Virgin Olive Oil – Does what it says on the tin.

Virgin Vergers - This company will provide priests on a hire purchase scheme allowing member of the public to conduct ceremonies in the privacy of their own home, or at the mall, at literally a moments notice. Successfully piloted in Alabama last year.

Virgin Paris - an ironic fashion store with clothing designed by Paris 'Sex Tape' Hilton.

Virgin Blood - a service designed to but something back into the community. Literally. A blood donating service, rather than a niche product aimed at the vampire market.

Virgin Blue - a new late night TV channel full of rich bearded men taking off their cardigans and other scratchy knitwear in order to cop off with young, unrich, and unbearded, women.

Virgin on the Ridiculous - The group will begin to build it’s own chain of joke shops aimed at the young, hip jokester market.

Seriously Virgin on the Ridiculous - a new PR firm guarenteed to ensure that the smug one is continually in the press doing some stunt or other.

Richard Branson Missouri – A theme park built to imitate the wholesome Midwestern town with its many live music theaters, clubs and other entertainment venues. From the air Richard Branson Missouri will be in the shape of a giant beard, an idea previously deployed in the UK by Branson's twin brother, Noel Edmonds.

Branson Noel

Posted by damian at November 11, 2004 06:59 PM | TrackBack