Clever UK Scientists have found a way to bottle the personality behind the UK's 7th most reconisable radio DJ and use it as a contraceptive, a major retailer announced today as it launched 'Bates Mates' on an unsuspecting British Public.

Simon Bates, the never popular DJ who made his name at Radio 1 and who now works at Classic FM, allowed his personality to be used by scientists in a bid to find a form of contraception even more effective than the current market leader.

The new look packet of three

Damp
Scientists found that Bates' personality typically turned people off sex, or made sure that when they did make love it was - like bates himself - something of a damp squib.

Manufacturer Mates decided to take this finding and bottle it. So to speak. With an ironic nod of the hat to Bates' famous Our Tune feature which involves long drawn out stories about listeners disasters and triumph in the face of adversity, each packet - when opened - plays his signature tune, while the rubber itself has a mugshot on the tip.

Coming Soon
Premature ejaculation sufferers will also find the condom laced with a lube which delays climax until 3 minutes 45 seconds into intercourse - the same time as an average pop record.

'No one wants to get pregnant accidentally or catch an STD' a spokesman said, 'now thanks to Simon and Mates Condoms they don't need to.'

Bruno's next
Other former Radio One DJ's are also expected to use their personalities to help sell products with a Bruno Brookes buttplug (tagline 'disappears as far up your arse as Bruno's personality,') expected to be very popular with certain consenting adults this Christmas.

Posted by damian at August 31, 2005 09:52 PM