First came obesity, then heart disease and a surpressed immune system. Now a prominent American scientist has levelled a new accusation at America's Fast Food Industry, alleging that it is the primary cause of a new condition known as Moonlight Masturbation or Sleep Wanking. Mr Damian investigates.

Criticism of the fast food industry is nothing new. In recent years a spate of books, TV shows and movies have accussed the producers of fast food as being responsible for America's growing waist line. However, despite this public passion for suggary caffeine filled junk food appears to be as strong as ever.

To date however none these criticisms have suggested that fast food producers are contributing to a national decline in moral standards, or indecent public - or sometimes private - behaviour.

Sure, some people are offended by seeing a fat person on the beach, but it's not enough to take Ronald McDonald to court. However, a grown man pleasuring himself in public as the result of the chemicals in a happy meal... well, that's a different story.

Great protection from the ozone layer

Morgan Spunklocker, a scientist from New Jeresy recently published a paper which showed that an increased number of people were found to be masturbating in public, often in their sleep, and often claiming to have no control over their actions.

'All the data showed that these people had at some point in the previous 12 hours consumed a fast food product of some description' Spunklocker told us, 'the evidence is irrefutable.'

However, Jo Arnold from the Virginia Fast Food Associate Traders a lobbying group known as VFFAT for short, clearly feels otherwise, claiming that there was no evidence for this wild accusation. 'There's no evidence for this wild accusation' he said.

Virginia's Federal Government have agreed to investigate the matter further in a bid to protect the nations burgers and to satisfy the curiosity of the public, many of whom have been woken in their beds and forced to witness horrific scenes of public and private pleasuring in recent months.

Until their conclusions are published in late 2008, consumers are advised to ensure that the only wopper they show off in public is the kind you can buy in Burger King.

Yum! Who wouldn't want to eat this?

Posted by damian at May 31, 2005 10:08 AM